December 17th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
David Lynch is a Cute Old Man
There are a variety of adjectives one can use to describe David Lynch. My sister, for example, believes that he is “creepy.” My dad refers to him as “eccentric.” However, neither of these people are what you can call David Lynch experts. I, on the other hand, sitting atop the pinnacle of expertise of all things Lynchian, believe him to be a Cute Old Man.
Our Cute Old Man, David Lynch, has cultivated his career as an unconventional filmmaker through works such as Twin Peaks, an early 90s serial television drama about a murder in a small town, Eraserhead, a surrealist horror film most noted for its deformed amphibious baby, and Blue Velvet, an updated film noir about an average citizen delving into the seedier side of life. All of these works have one thing in common: they’re fucking weird. But the man is as cute as a southern kitten, I tell you!
December 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
The Unfortunate Hermit
There once was an unfortunate hermit
an unfortuate hermit was she
she’d cry on friday nights
with ample cups of tea
her tears would drop, plop plop plop
(and inspire lines of poetry)
There once was an unfortunate hermit
she had a large pet peeve
“People are stupid!” she said
and wiped her nose with a sleeve
a Talking Heads album would play
and it was innappropriate for her to grieve
There once was an unfortunate hermit
an unfortunate hermit was she
she dragged a knife across her wrist
until it started to bleed
another pathetic stereotype proven, she thought
and registered her blog, “The Stinking Weed”
December 17th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Plan A
Aborted fetus, I love you
Evidence of what could have been
You left my body in that room
I left that room with a grin
Aborted fetus, I love you
My innards bid you farewell
You were never a part of me
You would have made my life a living hell
Aborted fetus, I love you
My stomach suddenly aches
You are a tasty specimen
I’d like you in some cakes
Aborted fetus, I love you
Sleeping gastric peace
October 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
How to sound smart
This is a [satirical] article I wrote a few years ago when I first created content for my website. I didn’t want it to get lost amongst the sea of my old projects, so I’m posting it again for nostalgia’s sake.
Let’s face it. There are times when you need to demonstrate your knowledge about stuff, things, and stuff about things… even when you are not in the confines of a purely academic environment.
The first step, of course, is to replace commonly used words with unconventional (or even better, multisyllabic) ones. Although the idea you are trying to express might be simple, the way in which you say it should be ridiculously elaborate. Below, you will find several examples.
Instead of saying GOOD, say: superior, righteous, exceptional, proficient, masterly, glorious, suitable, felicitous, upstanding, exemplary, fantastic.
Instead of saying BAD, say: fallacious, erroneous, flawed, unfounded, uncorroborated, substandard, inadequate, ineffectual, atrocious, detrimental, deleterious, unwholesome.
Instead of saying YES, say: all right, very well, of course, by all means, sure, certainly, absolutely, indeed, affirmative, agreed.
Instead of saying NO, say: absolutely not, most certainly not, under no circumstances, by no means, not at all, negative, never.
Once you get the hang of abandoning primitive terms, you may successfully graduate to picking up 300 pound expressions and amalgamating them with your regular speech. Smart people spend most of their time insulting those with an inferior intellect, so it’s helpful to learn higher-ranking abusive remarks before moving on to discussions about Hemingway and Victorian architecture. Keep reading for a paradigm.
By using an unorthodox phrase, your insultee will be completely oblivious to your slander. Familiarize yourself with these babies:
ALEATORY (adj.) – relating to good or bad luck and especially the risks of bad luck.
AMENTIA (n.) – mental deficiency, especially resulting from a primary lack of development of intellectual capacity.
BRUXOMANIA (n.) – the act or practice of griding one’s teeth.
COSTIVE (adj.) – constipated or causing constipation; slow or stiff in action or expression; sluggish.
HYPNOPOMPIC (adj.) – dispelling sleep; pertaining to the fuzzy, semiconscious state between sleep and wakefulness.
PANGLOSSIAN (adj.) – blindly or naively optimistic.
(If you’ve read Candide [most smart people have or pretend to have], you probably understood this word before you read the definition.)RHINOPHONIA (n.) – extreme nasal sound in the voice.
VESPINE (adj.) – of, relating to, characteristic of, or resembling wasps.
(If you want more overly eloquent words for everyday things, I suggest you purchase a copy of The Gilded Tongue by Rod L. Evans, PH.D.)
Along with archaic words, smart people like obscure references. The lesser known, the better. This is one of few things that work in your favor. If you have a hard time coming up with a name of an artist or author, make one up! Lord Barlington of Worcester is a good one. Artsy-fartsy movies normally have stupid titles because it’s their minimal nature that makes the story so profound. Just remember that there are so many archetypes that one can follow. (Learn more about those here.) Go along with whatever the other party is saying. Nod your head and stroke your (invisible) beard. Gesticulating a whole bunch will give others the impression that what you are thinking surpasses words.
If all else fails, throw in a few “indeeds” and “quites” for good measure and claim insanity. Eccentricity is almost as interesting as being astute.