October 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
How to sound smart
This is a [satirical] article I wrote a few years ago when I first created content for my website. I didn’t want it to get lost amongst the sea of my old projects, so I’m posting it again for nostalgia’s sake.
Let’s face it. There are times when you need to demonstrate your knowledge about stuff, things, and stuff about things… even when you are not in the confines of a purely academic environment.
The first step, of course, is to replace commonly used words with unconventional (or even better, multisyllabic) ones. Although the idea you are trying to express might be simple, the way in which you say it should be ridiculously elaborate. Below, you will find several examples.
Instead of saying GOOD, say: superior, righteous, exceptional, proficient, masterly, glorious, suitable, felicitous, upstanding, exemplary, fantastic.
Instead of saying BAD, say: fallacious, erroneous, flawed, unfounded, uncorroborated, substandard, inadequate, ineffectual, atrocious, detrimental, deleterious, unwholesome.
Instead of saying YES, say: all right, very well, of course, by all means, sure, certainly, absolutely, indeed, affirmative, agreed.
Instead of saying NO, say: absolutely not, most certainly not, under no circumstances, by no means, not at all, negative, never.
Once you get the hang of abandoning primitive terms, you may successfully graduate to picking up 300 pound expressions and amalgamating them with your regular speech. Smart people spend most of their time insulting those with an inferior intellect, so it’s helpful to learn higher-ranking abusive remarks before moving on to discussions about Hemingway and Victorian architecture. Keep reading for a paradigm.
By using an unorthodox phrase, your insultee will be completely oblivious to your slander. Familiarize yourself with these babies:
ALEATORY (adj.) – relating to good or bad luck and especially the risks of bad luck.
AMENTIA (n.) – mental deficiency, especially resulting from a primary lack of development of intellectual capacity.
BRUXOMANIA (n.) – the act or practice of griding one’s teeth.
COSTIVE (adj.) – constipated or causing constipation; slow or stiff in action or expression; sluggish.
HYPNOPOMPIC (adj.) – dispelling sleep; pertaining to the fuzzy, semiconscious state between sleep and wakefulness.
PANGLOSSIAN (adj.) – blindly or naively optimistic.
(If you’ve read Candide [most smart people have or pretend to have], you probably understood this word before you read the definition.)RHINOPHONIA (n.) – extreme nasal sound in the voice.
VESPINE (adj.) – of, relating to, characteristic of, or resembling wasps.
(If you want more overly eloquent words for everyday things, I suggest you purchase a copy of The Gilded Tongue by Rod L. Evans, PH.D.)
Along with archaic words, smart people like obscure references. The lesser known, the better. This is one of few things that work in your favor. If you have a hard time coming up with a name of an artist or author, make one up! Lord Barlington of Worcester is a good one. Artsy-fartsy movies normally have stupid titles because it’s their minimal nature that makes the story so profound. Just remember that there are so many archetypes that one can follow. (Learn more about those here.) Go along with whatever the other party is saying. Nod your head and stroke your (invisible) beard. Gesticulating a whole bunch will give others the impression that what you are thinking surpasses words.
If all else fails, throw in a few “indeeds” and “quites” for good measure and claim insanity. Eccentricity is almost as interesting as being astute.